


Of Gnomes and Religious Duties

by Cut_the_Chain



Category: Original Work
Genre: Fluff, Gnomes, M/M, Religious Duties, Suburban AU, Teenage Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-18
Updated: 2015-11-18
Packaged: 2018-05-02 07:07:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5239079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cut_the_Chain/pseuds/Cut_the_Chain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is an AU of my friends and my characters and devolved into fluff towards the end. Oooppss my bad, sorry Lacey my Love I couldn't control myself!  </p><p>Gilbert has yet another Friday night adventure for who ever he can drag with him around the neighborhood. Silly and pointless conversations take place and a hodge podge of teenagers enjoy the kind of meaningless night that gives life meaning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Gnomes and Religious Duties

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the bright star from my childhood, my best friend. Time to raise a cheer to past regrets, the havoc we should have caused, mayhem we missed out on making, the youthful shenanigans we now have no excuse for, the suburban life I still sometimes wish we had lived. I'll murder my regrets with our Suburban AU. After all we can still make the stories and at least we have nothing on our permanent records!

For some reason Gilbert was dragging a sprawling and rowdy group of teenagers through the winding and well manicured streets of their suburb. This wasn’t unusual, in fact it was rather common. The strange part always happened when they reached whatever destination Gilbert was excited to share with them.

Current bets were split between Gilbert having a long list of different places he scheduled to “happening upon this week” while others stood firmly by the attention span challenged boys inability to plan anything. Another off shoot of the betting pool, that refused to put any money in the pot, was those with the “Head cannon” that Gilbert went hunting every week for something to show his friends.

No matter which group was right Gilbert always had something to show the group come Friday. He was a varied individual though, so while some weeks it was a movie in the comfort of Loki’s large entertainment center, others it was a trip to cities. Those trips were rare seeing as someone always ends up getting lost in the cities. Every single damn time they go there some one disappears and the day ends up including a fight, visiting with the cops, unplanned flash mobs, theft, crying, or some combination of those.

Thankfully this Friday was simply walking around the neighborhood. Safe. Mundane. Familiar. Still somehow the cops were probably going to show up at some point.

They finally arrived at todays end of the week adventure. “Here it is buddies! This is the Robertsons’ newest improvement to our humble sberb.” Gilbert bobbed up and down on his heels pointing at a brightly colored Gnome that stood just under a foot tall. Unfazed by his typical brand of nicknames the group stood in the midst of Feldspar Circle, the wealthier part of their “sberb”, staring at a gnome.

Latch pinched the bridge of her nose and looked down. “Well this has been a colossal waste of time.”

Kioloni glared at Gilbert. “I’m just wondering why we HAD to take this trip after midnight?”

Gilbert smiled back and continued his light and cheery tone. “Mostly because I thought it’d be fun with an element of danger. Also because the Robertsons hate Basil so we had to come by after they’d be sleeping.”

Ethan snorted, “How do the Robertsons hate Basil? He’s one of the least hate-able of our group.”

Basil rubbed his neck looking sheepish. “I used to babysat their kids and their daughter told me she loved me. I replied that I was flattered but extremely gay. Apparently they weren’t happy about that. Now Julia reads a lot of gay fanfiction and they blame me for her,” Basil raised his hands to form quotation marks, “decent into certain damnation.” Laughter erupted amongst the group.

“Do they not,” Gavin tried speak gasping between laughter, “Don’t they know how hella gay our neighbor hood is?”

From beside him Gio chimed in, “Forget that don't they know how hella gay lawn gnomes are?”

Smiling just larger than his usual polite one Loki stifled a snicker. From beside Basil he turned and spoke to Gavin, “To answer your question objectively, it’s very unlikely they don’t know how gay our neighborhood is. We did throw our own LGBTQIA Pride parade the last few years.”

Gavin jumped up in down in a manner not befitting an 18 year old, but then again he did get held back...twice. “Yassss so many sparkles! We’re doing that again this year right?”

“So many sparkles” I’Ziah echoed in a far more horrified and resigned manner.

Astian patted I’Ziahs shoulder patronizingly. “It must be hard being straight in a sberb full of gay. How do you survive?” I’Ziah simply leveled him with a glare in reply. Unfazed Astian continued, “If it makes you feel any better as a hella gay Pansexual I consider you an honorary member of the gays. After all half your family is gay,” I’Ziahs youngest brother Nikita stiffened from his position beside them, “so you’re basically one of us.”

“We talked about this.” I’Ziah grit his teeth and the rest of the group leaned in eager to see if this ended in violence, again.

“Yes we did. We talked about it in the queerest of homosexually emotional pow wows kind of way. We were so homosexual about our feelings jam all the way up until the nasty heterosexual side of you reared its ugly face and you punched me.”

Killoni cackled while the rest of the group snickered. Killoni asked, “How many times has I’Ziah punched you?”

They replied at the same time.

“Too many to count.”

“327 times.”

I’Ziah whipped his head towards Astian. “It hasn’t been that many!”

“Sure it has. Personally I’m surprised it hasn’t been more. I’m an absolute asshole when I’m trying to be nice.”

Latch narrowed her purple mascara clad eyes. “While that’s completely true I don’t believe you’ve actually been counting.”

“Oh I haven’t,” Astian slung his arm over Nikita’s shoulder and pointed at him, “Dorku-Chan has.”

With all eyes on him Nikita fidgeted and fumbled for words, “It’s… It’s pretty much m-my greatest numerically measured joy in life.”

It was always surprising to hear the painfully shy boy say anything above a whisper or a blushing squeak. Hearing the timid boy endorse and enjoy violence was extra startling. The startled pause was murdered with boisterous laughter.

With lungs well accustomed to running from the cops and screaming Gavin recovered first. “Oh that’s so lit. I’ve never been so happy to know a nerd. You actually counted how often he’s been punched! Wow. Like that’s respectable and I don’t find anything respectable about you!”

Ethan patted Gavin on the back. “Hey that was almost a complement. Good job. You’re making progress.”

“Thanks, btws you should watch out. I now respect Pansy over there more than you. Your spot as designated nerd is slipping”

Loki’s pacifying voice, with a hint of customer service politeness, cut through the remaining giggles. “Everyone please watch your volume. It’s getting late and the Robertsons hate all of us. Well not me, but they hate all of you.”

Gavin not one to be told what to do yelled, “Why don’t they hate you.”

Nola, not one to every be quiet, shouted after him, “Yeah you’re really gay too. In like a cliché way cause you’re so deep in the closet.”

Loki turned to Nola with a gentlemanly smile. “I’m by no means in the closet and I’m very aware of my interest in men. I simply choose to not pointlessly share this with stranger—“

Her response cut him off. “Wait you’re not in the closet! Why the hell aren’t you and Basil dating?”

“I don’t believe that’s any of your business. As I said I don’t see a point is sharing such details with strangers. I also don’t see reason to share them with—“

Loki slightly clenched his jaw as he was cut off again by Nola. “But I mean you guys are always together and being cute and shit.”

“You guys are pretty adorable.” Ketzcech mumbled.

Tanita snapped her gum, “Totes”

Kioloni sneered, “Sickenly”

“Yup” Gio nodded in agreement.

“Voted cutest couple of our neighborhood on several drunken occasions.” Gavin chirped in.

Latch smirked staring Loki in the eye and gaining great pleasure from how out of his control the situation had become. “There are at least four distinct betting pools circling your cluster fuck of a relationship.”

“Nikita’s drawn fan art of you guys. No need to glare Nikita it’s super cute of you and really nicely drawn. I’m sure they’d appreciate it.” Astian smiled while holding the hand Nikita had just flailed at him in embarrassment. Nikita yanked it away fully red from ear tips to lower neck.

Basil, with cheeks slightly flushed, cleared his throat. “So, Gilbert we came here to look at a Gnome right?”

Gilbert’s eyes lit up. “Not just any gnome! This is Patrick and they are a very special gnome.” Gilbert picked up the gnome and brought it closer to the group. “See the carefully hand painted shirt embroidery? That’s how you know they're special.”

Gio scoffed, “I thought that’s how you know some one spent way to much on a stupid lawn ornament.”

I’Ziah pointed out one of the many things wrong with suburban culture. “We are talking about lawn ornaments. Is there any amount that isn’t too much? Pretty sure kids are still starving in Africa and what not.”

Gilbert took a few steps closer to the two un-enthusiastic boys. Perhaps in hopes his never ending enthusiasm would some how rub off on them. “Guys you don’t understand. This isn't a lawn ornament it’s a vital part of Feldspar Circles ecosystem.”

A varied level of eyebrow raises were shot his way. “No hear me out. You see this lovely and tacky gold design on the bottom of their shirt shows that this gnome is actually the chosen one tasked with protecting this highly sacred mulch patch. I see you rolling you eyes Latch. There’s no other sound and completely logical explanation for why a mulch patch would have seven religious figures AND a gnome unless the gnome was a religious symbol OR a Priestess.” Gilbert swung one of his hands in a broad motion to the several other figurines securely nuzzled into the small mulch oval behind him. *The eyes of a Jesus with a baby’s body and an adult head stared back at them judgmentally. The figure didn’t seem to be judging them so much as who ever decided putting an adult head on a baby would be a good idea.

Gilbert continued. “I’ve been forced to read the Bible hundreds of times, I can assure you gnomes are not part of it but this gnome must have meaning to grace this overly sacred mulch. That and the gold pattern is highly reminiscent—“

Gavin raised his hand while simultaneously interrupting, “Wait, the fuck does remnininiscnet mean?”

“It means to remind some one of a small scent. It’s super clear. Re-mini-scent it’s right there is the word.” Anyone else and it would have been a joke, but everyone knew Nola was in a few special classes for a reason. Still the girl said it with such confidence. It was hard to correct her.

Astian, being somewhat of a jerk all the time had no problems doing so, “Well that’s wrong. Reminiscent means to remind some one of something.”

Gilbert barreled back into controlling the conversation. “Right so the pattern is reminiscent of the robes worn by Priests. So Patrick has to be a Priestess that is protecting this unnecessarily holy wood chip pile.”

Ethan furrowed his brows.“Wait why is Patrick a Priestess?”

Gilbert thought for a moment.“Well I can’t say I know why Patrick was chosen for such an important job. I assume they had to pass some sort of spiritual test. Maybe climb a mountain. Do some community service. Write an essay on why they should be chosen. You know the usual stuff.”

“No I mean why is their name—“ Ethan froze as headlights flashed over the group and a large SUV, belonging to the Robertsons, started pulling into the driveway.

Astian muttered, “Oh shit” and Nikita bolted at full speed, nervous and skittish like a rabbit Nikita ran just as fast as one. “Wait you dork that wasn’t a cops are here oh shit. Damnit, Nikita, Nikita!” Astian yelled in a cheerful and amused voice as he started chasing after him.

Ketzcech of a similar nervous disposition as Nikita decided to follow his example and took off running. A chain reaction rippled through the group and soon they were all fleeing in different directions. The teenagers sprinted through the streets and yards and spread out as Greg Robertsons got out of his car with a fist raised cursing the youths of the nation.

Some where in the frenzied running the kids oriented themselves and began heading to their pre set reconvening site. One by one, or by two if you wanted to make a special exception for the not a couple but totally a couple, the young troublemakers gathered in Hagamiester park.

Gilbert spoke first, "Guys! I didn't put the gnome down! I didn't put THE GNOME DOWN, I JUST STOLE PATRICK FROM THEIR SACRED MULCH PATCH! I'MNOTATHIEF" Gilbert's voice steadily climbed until it reached a panicked blur.

Ethan finally recovered his breath and promptly didn't help anything, "Well technically you did just take that gnome with out asking. That **_is_** stealing."

Gilbert's eyes widened as he lowered his outstretched hands still holding the gnome he named Patrick. He blinked rapidly in disbelief. Slowly and casually he cradled the gnome to his chest "Oh my word, I stole. What would my mother say?"

"She probably ask why you were out this late" Gavin piped up cheerfully with and arm slung over a slightly wheezing Gio.

"Or if you were with those hooligans from down the street," Loki added just as conversationally. Basil chuckled beside him.

Latch snorted, "Most likely she'd be asking where she went wrong."

Gilbert pouted but before he could answer Astian finally managed to drag a still panting Nikita back to their group. Unsure whether it was panic or exercise everyone politely ignored the heavy breathing. Well everyone except for Gavin who was either socially inept or very rude, no one had quite figured out which one it was, "Hey Nikita are you freaking out or being a weak pansy?"

Gio smirked and shot an amused, "Not much of a difference is there?" towards the frazzled youngest member of their rag tag group.

Astian’s arm tightened around Nikita as the hyperventilating boy tried to squirm away from his grasp and the groups attention. Astian glared at Gio and coldly commanded, "Silence Gio, if you can between that panting. Seriously bro not skipping leg day isn't an excuse to forgo cardio. Don't be green because Nikita has quicker reflexes than you"

Gio’s voice hardened, “Scuse you, being a coward is hardly the same as quick reflexes.”

“EVERYONE IS MISSING THE POINT HERE! I ACCIDENTLY KIDNAPPPED PATRICK! THE SACRED MULCH PATCH IS DEFENSLESS RIGHT NOW!”

Latch rolled her eyes and held out her hand in a lazy stopping motion, “Keep your voice down. Screaming about kidnapping is never a good idea and that bullshit sacred mulch fuckery just makes you sound crazy.”

Astian grinned broadly, he unwrapped himself from Nikita and held out both hands, “Just throw it here. I’ll take care of it.”

Gilbert tightened his hold on the gnome figurine, “I can’t throw Patrick. What if they fell and broke?”

Astian’s grin didn’t falter, “Well my plan for taking care of it was to throw it into a tree in the hopes it would get stuck face down and scare the shit out of some children, so I’m not really concerned if it breaks or not. That’s more or less plan B.”

Gilbert turned his nose up in with exaggerated flourish, “Patrick is very clearly a dignified young lady not an it.”

Beside the content and entertained Basil, I’Ziah chortled, “Patrick has a beard.”

“As I said a _dignified_ young lady.”

Loud shouting from the hill next to their park congregation alerted the group Nola had arrived, “HEY GUYS! I FOUND KETZCECH. HE WAS FREAKING OUT AND BEING A PANSY IN THE WOODS.”

“See Nola knows what’s up,” Gavin raised his hand and shouted back at the approaching girl, “GIMMIE SOME SKIN BRO SISTA”

Nola broke from Ketczech, Tanita and Kioloni’s side to race down the hill past Gavin high fiving him as hard as she could. The resounding smack echoed ever so slightly. The twos hollers of “Hell yeah” and “Hell to the Fucks yeah” echoed much louder.

Loki glanced around warily before calmly trying to reason with his unruly neighbors, “I see we all need to be reminded that it’s after one and ever since the phallic shaving cream epidemic last month,” a string a fond chuckles arose, “there are extra cops patrolling our neighborhood. Perhaps we should disperse for the evening, well morning.” His eyes scanned the large group before him.

Gilbert loudly whispered managing to hit just under a normal speaking volume, “We are so off topic it’s almost like listening to me talk,” He thrust out his arms with the Gnome _maiden_ in them, “Does no one care about the plight of Patrick?”

Latch’s immediate response came with a sharp and popped p sound, “Nope.”

A murmur of various “Not really’s” cascaded from most of the crew except for Astian who responded, “I think it’s hilarious. Does that count as caring?”

Kiloni, Tanita, and Ketzcech reached the group just in time to offer input. Kiloni smirked, “Throw it here I’ll take care of it.”

Gilbert recoiled from Kiloni’s devious grip, shielding Patrick he continued “whispering”, “No, we’ve already been through this. Patrick is a dignified Gnome maiden who is charged with the noble honor or guarding the sacred mulch patch of Feldspar circle. Throwing her might break her and then no one would be able to fend off the rock elves that constantly threaten, hey, Latch where are you going?”

“Home,” strutting off Latch called over her shoulder “I’ve heard far too much about sacred elven maidens for the night”

“Well I didn’t say anything about sacred elven maidens, was that a Freudian slip? Did you wanna hear about Sacred elven maidens? Latch, Latch, LATCH!”

Loki cringed at his volume and restrained an eye roll, “Gilbert, please keep it down.” With an exasperated and fond smile he continued, “Don’t forget you’re holding a kidnapped maiden.”

“OH MAN,” Gilbert slapped his hand to his mouth. Returning to his exaggerated whisper he muffled behind his hand, “I mean, oh man. You’re right I’ve got to return Patrick before the rock elves attack.” Without another word he bolted up the hill stopping at the top to yell, “BYE FRIENDS, HAVE A GOOD MORNING”

Loki cradled his face in his hand in an elegant and clearly not face palming gesture. Basil pat his shoulder gently before dropping his hand down to the frustrated boys cardigans sleeve and tugged lightly. In a mock whisper he leaned towards him and asked with a grin, “The cops will be here soon, can I walk you home?”

Loki’s smile lost its exasperation as he turned to Basil, “Sure, that would be lovely.”

His face fell again quickly when Gavin screamed while waving vigorously, “BYE LOSER, I’M NOT YOUR FRIEND BTWS.”

A chorus of byes and waves followed as well as Nola shouting, “MAKE SURE YOU DON'T GET FRISKY WITH YOUR KIDNAPPED GNOME MAIDEN. SHE CAN'T PROTECT THE SACRED MULCH IF SHE'S NOT PURE!

The large sprawling group of teenagers sub-divided into little sects with causal conversation among them. Astian was draped over Nikita while trading insults with Gio, Ethan was telling Nikita about some sort of level up he achieved in the latest version of “Oktaku’s Unite, The Forces of Shame Are Growing Stronger,” and I’Ziah stood a few feet away from them with a look or pure disbelief, horror, and fascination at whatever story Gavin was animatedly telling him. Nola and Tanita popped back and forth between groups at random while Ketzcech whimpered and cried softly at something Kiloni had called him.

It was a familiar and usual Saturday morning.

Just as Loki and Basil were standing from their seats on a picnic table bench “Love Myself” began to blast from Basils phone. He frowned and glanced towards the street looking for cops before answering, ”Hello Cedric is everything okay?”

Basil’s younger brother Cedric spoke from the other end of the line, “Everything’s fine as long as you hurry. Cops are in route ETA 6 minutes.”

Basil grabbed Loki’s wrist and gently tugged him to follow as he began to quickly walk across the grassy field to the patch of trees beside the park. He responded, “Crickets! Thanks Cedric I’ll be home soon.”

Cedric replied bored and monotone as always, “Yeah, yeah, you’re welcome, don’t get arrested,” before ending the call.

Basil shoved his phone in his pocket and addressed the group behind him, “Hey that was Cedric’s warning, five minutes incoming.”

The group quickly dissolved with muttered oh shits, the cops are coming kind, and a resounding yell of “HOT DAMN, I ain’t going back to Juvie” from Gavin who was racing past the playground equipment with Gio’s arm in his grasp. Gio was struggling to keep up complaining that he lived in the other direction and so help him Gavin better let him sleep over if he drags him all the way to his house.

The rest of the group split off in a slightly less hysterical hurry sending waves and goodbyes to each other.

By now Basil and Loki had reached the wooded patch and were making their way through the suburbia equivalent of a forest. The forest was really a scraggily bunch of trees with a trunks no bigger that a half a foot thick, but hey, no one moves to the suburbs for trees.

Basil released Loki’s wrist and the black haired boy slipped his hand into Basil’s. They smiled at each other before Loki sighed, “Why do we spend time with those idiots again?”

Basil grinned, “Well I spend time with them because they’re fun and give me a unique outlook on life I don’t get any where else.”

Loki kept a pleasant smile but his eyes sharpened letting Basil know he didn’t like his answer. He replied with a curt, “I see.”

Basil continued knowing he only had twenty seconds before Loki would change the topic to something superficial, “I happened to genuinely enjoy their over the top enthusiasm. Everyone is so different and interesting. Most of them are a little crazy and it’s almost contagious. I can’t imagine getting into half the shenanigans we do if it weren’t for Gilbert, Nola, and Gavin.”

Loki was silent for a moment contemplating his next move before he squeezed Basil’s hand and said, “I’d agree, but I asked why _we_ spend time with them.”

Basil’s heart swelled as he nuzzled his head against Loki’s shoulder like a cat. He answered the question again focusing of the unit aspect of we, “That’s simple. You just happen to be patient and kind enough to humor me and let me get my fill of crazy.”

Loki’s eyebrows relaxed a subtle amount, as was everything with him, “Damn straight I am and I expect just compensation.”

“How about a date?” Basil shot back cheekily knowing the answer before he asked.

Loki gently pushed Basil’s head off his shoulder with his free hand, “How about you settle for Netflix and platonic chill at my house and bring me apple pie pastries to make up for nearly getting me arrested, again.”

“Alright, that sounds like a lovely plan B. I’ll bring over some of the Margret Soothers tea you like too.”

“Excellent, when Joslyn calls you this afternoon to invite you to her poorly planned last minutes party feel free to tell her you’ll be busy hanging out with me.”

“Oh she’ll be so jealous.”

Loki snickered, “Please, jealousy is unreasonable of her.”

“Yeah but she’s a pretty unreasonable person.”

“That is true just last week I had to review her essay in class. You wouldn’t believe her ditzy arguments for removing our schools mandated uniform.” Loki continued picking apart their classmate’s persuasive essay as the walked to his house. The air was almost warm with the looming promise of summer and more needlessly crazy late nights. Loki smiled up at Basil after a fresh snicker at Joslyn using ostentatious wrong and off in the distance a cop siren rang out.

**Author's Note:**

> *The phenomena of portraying Jesus as a baby with an adults head was short lived, thankfully, but it did exist. The one we looked at in my art history class was called Virgin and Child (Morgan Madonna). I suggest Googling it!


End file.
